Walmart Employees Demand to Work on Thanksgiving


Despite its efforts to give its workers Thanksgiving off, Walmart admitted today that its employees have demanded to work on that Thursday holiday. Executive VP of Merchandising and Marketing Duncan MacNaughton complained, “We did everything we could to keep our associates home with their families to enjoy the holiday. We offered them salary raises, cash bonuses, promotions, even company stock if they would only let us keep our stores closed. But no matter what we offered, they would not be deterred. Finally, because we support their rights to act collectively, we gave in and are allowing them to open our stores — starting at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day and featuring literally thousands of incredible bargains!”

Walmart is not alone in being forced to keep its doors open on Thanksgiving. Target, Staples, K-Mart, Sears, Best Buy, Gap/Old Navy, Toys R Us, Macy’s, JC Penny, Kohl’s and Apple are also being strong-armed by their heartless employees to force store managers and other executives to work instead of being home, surrounded by loved ones. Target CEO Gregg Steinhafel chastised, “I am very disappointed in the decision of our team members to force us to open our stores on Thanksgiving. Shame on them for making our tireless, dedicated and highly valued managers interrupt their holiday. I can only hope that our customers share our sense of outrage and punish us for our employees’ lack of common decency by not coming to Target to shop for our wonderful products at amazingly low prices.”

Equally angry is Apple CEO Tim Cook who criticized, “After all we’ve done for our employees, it feels like a slap in the face for them to turn around and demand we stay open for business on Thanksgiving. We tried to reason with them. We reminded them that we’re a computer company for Steve Jobs’ sake and that customers who were that determined to ¬†shop on Thanksgiving for our innovative and industry leading products could still do so online with our totally automated systems. But that wasn’t enough for them. They wanted to put on their blue shirts and sell our world-class products and provide our gold standard service. I’d almost admire their dedication if I wasn’t so mad at them.”

Hubert Joly, CEO of Best Buy was furious when he learned that his company’s outlets would be open on Thanksgiving. “When I heard the news, I threw my phone so hard, it set off an alarm in my jet. How dare they! Who do they think they are forcing us to sully one of this nation’s most revered holidays by selling the latest electronics at unbeatable prices? Isn’t fulfilling people’s fondest wishes on just about every other day enough for them? I’ll tell you what. As soon as the holiday season is over, I’m going to enjoy laying off thousands of these money-grubbing monsters.”

But no retail chain executive was more upset than Macy’s CEO Terry Lundgren who thundered, “When people think of Thanksgiving, the first thing that should come to mind is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m appalled that our wholesome image as a family-centered institution is being sullied by our workers’ craven desire to sell our high quality products. Just as Jesus drove the money-changers from the temple, I won’t rest until I have ejected every one of our employees out of our stores. I may not be able to before Thanksgiving, but I want everyone to know that I am disgusted, embarrassed and ashamed of our workers, and for their greedy decision to work on Thanksgiving, I wish them and their families nothing but misery and discord, not only during the holiday season, but every day and for the rest of their lives and down through their generations.”


photo credit: laurieofindy

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